Listen. Gather round all ye faithful, and listen. I enjoy Batman-na-na-na probably more than the average meat sack. I've got beaucoup of films and comics galore. I have been an admirer since my pubescence. Truly, what is not to love about a teeth-gritting sociopathic billionaire who seeks catharsis for his masochistic tendencies in the form of dressing up in Tommy Hilfiger's Bat-wear and screaming at citizens to punch him in the face? It's absolutely magic, in every sense of the word.
However, what I do not love as much, is the characterization he was given in the most recent film, The Batman. It's not the caked-on makeup, nor the mindless beatings he gives and gets in return for his sloppy technique—nay. Nay, it is exclusively in the way his mind works as if he's an unequivocal fucking moron. I am aware that, within the context of the film, he has only been crime fighting for two years, but two years is a long time! That is seven hundred and thirty days to, oh, I don't know, maybe practice a little? Be a bit more discreet? My hollow-minded bat-dolt just straight up walks into heavily secured night clubs dressed in his whole-ass attire like it's a fucking costume party. Numerous times. My dude also just stands upon unobscured rooftops wearing ball caps and binoculars. For why!
Anyway, my real gripe begins with his supposed intellect, but it gets to the nitty gritty in how he treats Alfred. Straight out the gate, he's like, "You're not my father." Motherfucker, that man has raised you since your parents died. Put some respect on that name, boy. He is more of a father than the corpse you idolize. As if that exchange wasn't awful enough, he stomps his feet into the man's hospital room! Whilst he is in critical condition! To what?! Whine about how he never told him his whole life story. Okay, first of all? Back the fuck up. Who let this bat-child into the hospital anyway. Second of all? No, just back all the way up. Your not-father is potentially dying, and you take to his side to immediately lambast his every molecule. You are a bastard. Your parents didn't even want you.
Thank you for coming.
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